Where do you go when there is no Hope or Help?

I have found a job recently. I am hoping to start work soon. However I feel as if I am getting the run around. She hasn't returned my calls as to when I start. Just tell me do I have a job or not. If not I will keep looking no big deal but don't tell me I have it and then not call me. I just want to make enough money to pay my bills and to live simply. We have cut out everything. We have 2 vehicles both are really old and paid off; We have basic tv on satelite as it is cheaper than Cable, I have basic telephone and internet combined for $50. I have sold anything that is ours and isn't nailed down to the floor. We are cutting everything out yet we still have no money saved. Not enough money for our bills. Housing is going up, electric, water, food, and gas are going up. What is a person to do when the paycheck doesn't go up. We don't go out to eat, our weekly outing is to church or god for bid my mother inlaws. We have doctor bills out our butt. My grocery budget with diapers and formula is $150 biweekly. That's not easy. That is using coupons. Do the math that is $300 a month, $150 biweekly, $75 a week, $10.72, $3.57 a meal (3 meals a day) for 5 (five) people. How are we supposed to make it if that is what we are doing. There is only so much ramen and rice and peanut butter that a person can handle. We are not destitute by any means. Just extremely financially stressed. People (again people you would think I would quit listening to people) say that you shouldn't have had kids. Well I hate to tell you this however, when the good lord decides for you to have children you are going to have children. I have been on birth control with all 3 of my children when they were conceived and evidently I am in that .1% of all birth controls that say you are going to get pregnant. Once it was an IUD. It's okay because I love children and I will do what I can. People also tell me to cut back. What can I cut back, please tell me. I have nothing left to sell, nothing left to cut back. I splurged and fixed a pot of coffee this morning and had a cup. I make my own tea and kool-aid. We do not drink sodas or store bought drinks, we drink water from the tap ( my mother-in-law has assured me that we will all die from drinking it), outings include walks to the park (we don't want to drive and waste gas), walks to friends houses, we have been having potluck with our friends to save on food as well and still get a little variety. I don't want government handouts but I do believe that these companies who are out for the money need to give alittle back. Did you know that where we live that the average cost of a big can of powdered baby formula is $25.99 a can. That feeds my daughter for one week. The average price for a box of diapers is $27.99 that lasts us 2 weeks. I order most of my stuff online because it is cheaper and sometimes I can find deals with free shipping. And some of the online stores will take coupons.
Now please tell ME that I have to cut back and be more frugal and to quit having more children. Sometimes it is not an option. I would also like to say that it outrages me to have to pay for illegal immigrants to have food and to get free schooling and medicines when I am struggling like this. I had applied for W.I.C. in the hopes that it would help with the formula. We have excellent health insurance that I pay an arm and a leg for we just needed a little assistance. We make $100 too much to qualify. For a family of 5 you have to make under $44641 a year, $3721 a month, $859 a week to qualify. This is before taxes. Did you know after taxes most people live off of $34,373.57. Deduct your taxes and insurance, medicaid and social security from your yearly income. How much do you live off of?

What does a person do?

I am so tired of people. First they tell me what to do and why! I listen decide what I want to do and then I will do it. Then they tell me I am wrong.

First scenario: My daughter Alexius was 3 this year I wanted to wait and hold her back a year until she was 4. (She turned 4 in October before the deadline so they accepted her at 3). But no everyone said that she had to go school because she was more than ready. She is already reading, she knows her colors and everything, she can write. I know all this because I am the one that sat with her day after day teaching her no one else did. So I listened to them and I enrolled her in school. I did it because I doubted myself as to whether she was ready mentally or not. Then the school tells me she is really young and that she is having a hard time and that I need to work with her more. We were already working with her so they just suggested that we do it differently okay no problem. Problem solved. Right? Wrong. I am now a bad mother because I forced my child to go to school before she was ready. They are so wrong. I am glad that I put her into school early because you know what she has excelled. She is one of the smartest kids there. And she is attending the second school in the county. They tell me I have to keep her in the private school next year but I have decide to go public with my little beauty. It will be less trauma. The private school only goes to 2nd grade and then she would have to go to public anyway. There really isn't any very good private schools in the area that actually keep up with state curriculum except for the pre schools. She is fine. I am tired of feeling second rate. When it comes to raising my children.

2nd Scenario:
My middle daughter can't hear. They told me that I was making this up that she was fine that she just didn't want to hear what I had to say. I watch my daughter read lips. I watch her not talk. I hear her sounds. I am the one that wakes up with her every night because she is screaming. I am the one that holds her while she crys for hours on end holding her ears because the medicine is not working. I am the one that has to force the medicine in her because she doesn;t want to take it. I am the one that takes her to the doctors and holds her while they examine her. She can't HEAR I AM TELLING YOU TWITS I know what is going on. Then they tell me that she has a chance of going deaf. Of course well why didn't it get caught sooner is what I am asked. I don't know. I did everything the doctors told me to do. I even had 3 different opinions when I figured it wasn't working the other way. Now she is going in for tubes in the ears. No big deal right? Wrong! I am wrong again. They should try drops in the ears, there is other meds out there. Well you know what people there is but this will take the pain away right away and this is what the doctors say is going to be the end result even if we do try to go those routes. He said why put her through pain longer than necessary. I agree. I signed the papers for the procedure. Then I was told to talk to the speach therapist and I did. I am going with there reccomendations. Isn't this what I am supposed to do? Of course not. I am pushing my daughter to much . She can't possibly learn all that like they say. I need to wait until she goes to school and they can teach her. Since I can't do it. I can do it but what's the point in specialists if you don't listen?

Moral of all this venting. Don't listen to those ney sayers and do what you think is best. Don't let them bother you and tell them to go suck a toillet.

Good luck to all of you in your endevers.

My health

Since I have been diagnosed with Diabetes it seems my health is just silently falling apart. I am constantly worried that something new is going to come up. They say stress is a silent killer and that may be my problem. Let me tell you a little about my health. I have been anemic since basically the day I was born. I drained my mother of all her iron while she was pregnant with me and I have been low ever since. I used to constantly pass out because my iron kept getting so low. My mother never really took care of it and as a growing little girl it was always topsy turvy. It went up and it went down but my hemoglobin never seemed to get above a 10. Average I believe is supposed to be between 11 and 12. mine averages around 9.2 and it is not unusual for it be an 8 something. My blood pressure has always been good if a little on the low side. I was always under weight until I got pregnant and then I went over but I am not grossly over weight. I am 20 pounds or so over weight. But I was recently diagnosed with gestational diabetes while pregnant with my last child. Only the diabetes didn't go away. I am now considered Type 2 Diabetic. Since this dianosis I have been working out and I hope to lose the weight. They say that if I can get my weight back down then there is a chance that I won't be diabetic anymore. I have been working out and watching my meals. The only thing is that I don't eat unhealthy. I have been seeing a diatician and my meals and what I am eating is fine. I am actually eating more as a diabetic than I did when I was just anemic. I am on 4 iron pills a day and 2 Metformin pills. My Cholesterol is not good. It is on the border of being bad. The one thing that I don't do that I probably should have started a long time before this is exercise. I take my vitamins every day. I just started exercising recently by taking a kickboxing class. Well I have to go my girls are in need of me.

Greif

What is the world coming to? I just dropped off my 4 year old at preschool and a young woman was there and they hadn't unlocked the doors yet. She was torn between taking her daughter to class or leaving behind the baby in the car with all the doors open. Obviosly not sure what in the world to do and completely confused. I took the older daughter to class for her and there I found out that her husband had just passed away and the woman is lost. She was hodong up better than I could have ever done. The first thing that comes to mind when I heard this was who is taking her meals at night. She is going to need someone to help cook so that she can focus on her children and healing. The shock is still setting in!

Wow what a world!

We have a fourth girl here today and she is just darling. We are currently eating lunch while I type this. We are having mac and cheese and pizza toast. I have been steadily cleaning this house and every time I turn around its a mess again. I don't know why I bother while they are still awake. I have picked up the same toys now 4 different times and I have made them pick them up about 10. They just dump them on the ground and then run. They aren't even playing with them. I can't wait to go to my kick boxing class tonight. Gene is home but is currently sleeping. The baby is sleeping but is getting ready to wake up, and the girls are getting ready for quiet time on the sofa in front of the TV after lunch. I let them lay on the sofa for quiet time when we have friends over because ususally its naps in the beds. But its not often they have a friend over so this is a treat. I am letting my hair grow out so that I can cut and send it to one of those places that makes wigs for cancer patients, but in the meantime it is getting on my nerves. It is heavy and causes me to have a headache. It's 15 inches in a pony tail right now but I still need a little more hair. I don't want to be bald or really short hair when they cut it off. I have been having fun with the girls this morning. We have painted little toes and fingers numerous colors. We have done our hair, we made pizza toast together, we have watched cartoons, ran up and down the stairs,played on the bikes and the scooters. It is time for a little break and some down time. I think I am going to get off here. Have fun today!

Bravery

Have you ever thought about what kind of fears that are overcome everyday by people? Did you know that alot of people are afraid but will never admit to it? It's a Shocker I know (Sarcasm)! I have always belived that I have to be strong that you can't show fear at all. But once in a while its nice to admit to being afraid and having someone understand. Bravery:

Courage, also known as bravery, will and fortitude, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. 'Physical courage' is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, or threat of death, while 'moral courage' is the courage to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement.

If you take that definition then everyday people are brave. I am scared of heights. I am 5'10 and I am terrified of heights. I have climbed a mountain (peed my pants when I slid down and almost fell), I have bungy jumped (passed out and peed my pants on the way down), I don't get on ladders, yet I live in a 3 story house; Ironically I have had to climb a tree to get my daughter out of it (as you can guess I don't climb trees but I didn't pee my pants on that one). Then there are the everyday fears, afraid of the dark, I leave a cuple of lights on throughout the house every night. I turn lights on before I go into a room, yet I have walked in the pitch black back from a neighbors house late one night with no moon or street lights and no flashlight I couldn't even see my hand or my feet I just relied on faith and instinct to guide me home (honestly, I think that was the quickest walk home I have ever done) My heart was pounding, my senses were tuned to any unusual noise or smells. It was truely walking blind. That was scary. I lock up my house every night before dark when I am alone with my girls. We don't have a window opened, a door unlocked, and all lights are on outside. I will know if you come in my yard. It probably drives the neighbors crazy but they haven't complained yet. Yet, I forget to put the trash out and I have to go out after dark to put the trash to the street and hurry in. So by definition that is Bravery because I confronted fear.

Do I feel Brave? No. I feel like a big wimp. But not everyone is comfortable in all situations. So today I challenge you to think about or do one thing in the face of fear! Please do not do anything taht will get you hurt or is illegal and will get you arrested but something that you just knew you would never do because you were scared. If you want to talk to someone new, what's the worst thing that could happen? They say no they don't want to talk to you? Go apply for the job? They say no thanks try again later? Atleast you know the what if and fear hasn't won. Let Bravery win one for yourself.

Just a Lazy Rainy Day

This is one of the good days. My husband is home he will be leaving again tommorrow and I will miss him. We have had the 3 Ls, ( live laugh Love). I woke him up around 5 this morning for some much needed TLC. Then I made breakfast while he played with the girls, we laughed so hard at each other my abs hurt then I left for my kickboxing class. I came back stinking and refreshed. I was taking a bath when the 2 older girls came in and jumped in the bathtub. I don't get privacy. I am so used to it. I washed their hair and we giggled at what a boy did in Alexius' school. Joyner laughed even though you could tell she didn't understand. Joyner said"Lexus funny" We got out and got dressed and Skyla woke up to be changed and fed. She went right back to sleep. Alexius went downstairs to play on the computer with her daddy and Joyner started to watch Spongebob. I came down to my work room and made jewelry. I had music playing and the baby monitor on. Gene came down and grabbed for some more TLC. We were just laughing and Alexius came in looking for us (We were dressed) She just gave us both a kiss and said that she loved us. It has been a good day. I feel really good. It's just a lazy rainy day.

Astounded by Miracles

I just want to comment on what this one family is going through in my Church. It is so amazing. The young mother has cystic Fibrosis (CF). She was on the transplant list for a new set of lungs when they found out they were pregnant. The doctors told her that the outcome was not good and that this was one of those times when abortion was okay. Now I am a person who believes it is the mothers right to reject the gift of God, not that I could ever go through an abortion myself. But that option should be open. Well anyway they told her it was okay because if she didn't the odds were not good that she or the baby would ever live. That was in October. They have been fighting for life ever since. Just a couple of days ago on April 2nd which is her husband's Birthday she got her new set of lungs. The baby was born 15+ weeks early in January and is doing good at 2 pounds 8 oz. To read about this miracle for yourself you really need to check out this website
http://cfhusband.blogspot.com/
It is the most amazing story ever. Within 12 hours of her surgery she was breathing room air without an oxygen tank and walking around. There is still a long way to go but with a little faith comes big miracles.

Alone Again!

Every third day I become a single mother of 3 for 24 hours. My life is consumed by crying, shopping, bill paying, whining, schedules, and household chores. Most days I start my day at 6:00am, if not earlier, by getting up to feed my now 3 month old daughter. I put her in a car seat when she is done and then get dressed and brush my hair and teeth and then check my blood sugar level ( I am a diabetic). Then I wake up the 4 year old and get her dressed for preschool and then I wake up the 2 year old. She is the hardest to get dressed. If I give her a chance she will strip right after I get her dressed. Most times she is stripping while I am getting her dressed. I pick her up and take her down to the car and strap her in, run back up 3 flights of stairs to get the baby and the 4 year old. I have learned to have everything ready at night. Take the 4 year old (Alexius) into school. Then go home and start cleaning. I do the laundry and clean the rooms, make the beds, scrub the bathrooms, do the dishes (Don't let me elaborate on how much I hate to unload the dishwasher I usually do dishes by hand if I can help it), then fix a snack for the 2 year old (Joyner) and then fix a bottle for the baby(Skyla). Put Skyla in her car seat and try to find Joyners clothes and try to get them back on her While I am carrying her down to the car to go pick up Alexius. Joyner is usually screaming and crying. She is a very fustrated child. She has trouble hearing and has so much fliud in her ears that her head hurts alot. Hopefully that will all change. She has been recommended for tubes in the ears. Then we come home fix lunch and I try to put them all down for a nap at the same time. If I am lucky I can grab an hour for my jewelry and some down time before it starts all over again. Skyla and Alexius are very happy children, but Joyner is at that stage of constantly being clingy. I am the one who deals with it all. Leaky faucets, holes in the wall, bills, bills collectors, doctors, school stuff, homework, teachers, repairs to the house, Everything... This is the life I chose and its not easy. I recently met up with another paramedics wife and I guess I was a little dense to think I am the only one in this situation. But I am not. There are so many other wives or husbands. I believe that the spouses are the backbone for all emergency services. We take care of the day to day life so that our Husbands and wives can rescue everyone else. Some of us have jobs, pets, relatives, and/or college added on. Life goes on and they come home. They kiss the kids, swatsay hi to the wife and go to bed for the rest of the day. Because they were up rescuing the drunks, the injured, the innocents who were hurt because of stupidity all night. The lights go on an off they go sometimes not even finishing a meal having to argue with people who have blood gushing from some part of their body to get them on a stretcher so that they don't die. Or the people on drugs who seem complacent until somewhere halfway to the hospital the wake up and go absolutley nuts, screaming and jumping around throwing things, and trying to jump out the back of the truck or trying to strangle the paramedic or the driver. Then there are the sad ones who just cry for more drugs while they are taking them to the hospital but the doctor in charge didn't okay it and they have to deal with it. They are supposed to deal with this silently. They are not aloud to talk about it because of HIPPA privacy laws. The worst call to get ver is going in for a child and finding them dead and having to tell the parents that there is no hope. That they have to let go of the body. SIDS and SBS are the worst things in the world but they do go on. So to let them sleep a little after they get home is okay. I deal with the homefront. While my husband deals with the world. Its a wonder I becoming more and more reclusive. Well that's all I have time for now. I am holding JOyner in my arms while I am typing this. My time is up.